tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post5183321215541055510..comments2023-05-24T23:33:57.516+10:00Comments on My Unwelcome Stranger: The stifling of independenceDenis Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-76586729910764581712013-10-27T23:48:46.370+11:002013-10-27T23:48:46.370+11:00What an interesting exercise – the blindfold I mea...What an interesting exercise – the blindfold I mean. I think every parliamentarian should be required to get about a rural city for a week in a wheelchair – no Commonwealth car, OK they can ring for a taxi but let then find one that can take their wheelchair! - use only available disabled toilet facilities and ramps. They’d be off their heads by lunchtime first day – but they’d be better people’s reps for it. <br />Denis Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-68887395088338477332013-10-27T23:30:46.123+11:002013-10-27T23:30:46.123+11:00Thanks for your kind words, Dave. That see-saw yo...Thanks for your kind words, Dave. That see-saw you mention is exactly it. "I need help to do this [pathetically simple] task and I don't want to bother beloved with it. But, my attempt to do it myself can end in disaster." It seems obvious I call in the help, but unless you are the dependent one, you won't understand the strength of the temptation to take the risk.<br /><br />You and I are both care-receivers, and we well know that there’s a danger attention is focused so much on people in our positions that their primary carers are forgotten; that they’re expected to be content with living just for the care-receivers and not for themselves. I know many times Tracey goes down the street and solicitous questions are asked about me and hardly anyone asks her about how she’s faring in all this, when she’s taking the brunt of the handling of constant – never-ending! – tasks connected with the management of the person they’re looking after. In other words, the carer is expected to stop having an identity of their own and live through the other. This isn’t fair and in the end is destructive.<br /><br />This has always been worthy of a blog posting and the fact that I haven't written if might mean I'm doing the same thing. <br /><br />Hmm. I don't like the way these thoughts are heading....Denis Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-40595263818319623162013-10-27T23:19:16.548+11:002013-10-27T23:19:16.548+11:00That saying is so true that it's appreciated o...That saying is so true that it's appreciated only by the sick and those who tend them. I think it is of Sufi origin, which would possibly make it 1000 years old, perhaps Persian or Dervish; in the latter case, Turkish. <br /><br />Thanks for the generous words, Ros. As a carer, you know that side of the story as well.Denis Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-51633468511377008402013-10-27T12:11:12.943+11:002013-10-27T12:11:12.943+11:00Oh dear, I wish I could say something meaningful i...Oh dear, I wish I could say something meaningful in response to this remarkably candid post but really, it's all been said by the others! And so thoughtfully, too. When my mother-in-law went blind some years ago, and was coming to visit, I spent a day blindfolded just to try and gain SOME understanding of what it was like. And it was terrifying! Quite terrifying! Yet of course I couldn't really understand how it was for her because, of course, I could take off the blindfold whenever it got too much for me. The one thing I CAN say, Denis, is that once again you have reminded those of us who are fit and well, and whose significant other does not require constant care, NOT TO TAKE ANY BLOODY THING FOR GRANTED. Or at least to try. I shall always honour you as much for that lesson as for all the other things you taught me.Julie Lakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10268676551467882065noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-10340472903601940882013-10-25T18:42:39.779+11:002013-10-25T18:42:39.779+11:00Thanks Jenny. It's a lovely posting and true. ...Thanks Jenny. It's a lovely posting and true. If things were reversed I'd do the same, and so would anyone who took the trouble to read this posting and the comments. <br /><br />But I'd defy a person who's a loving care receiver not to feel guilty at times seeing their loving, uncomplaining care-giver woken for the third time in five hours to render much needed assistance. You have to read the heartfelt response below.Denis Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-47573562881968485712013-10-25T18:17:58.936+11:002013-10-25T18:17:58.936+11:00She is that. All her skills were more than put to ...She is that. All her skills were more than put to the test today. They were pushed to the limit in the past 18 hours and yet she stayed calm and collected in the face of a great deal of provocation. I'll give her carte blanche to tell what happened in a guest posting as long as she's gentle with me....Denis Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-28090300863966575262013-10-25T18:03:51.774+11:002013-10-25T18:03:51.774+11:00Thanks, dear Z. I wanted to say so much more but t...Thanks, dear Z. I wanted to say so much more but there's only so long a rant people can take and how many byways I blunder into – and how petty it is of me to want to get my bottle of water without any real effort - and how wonderfully dependable and generous so many can be. <br /><br />It's all relative.Denis Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-20137509612389560932013-10-25T17:46:15.577+11:002013-10-25T17:46:15.577+11:00Good question, Trish. Answer: because it's the...Good question, Trish. Answer: because it's there! What I am far more conscious of is how many people make their lives [and many lives around theirs nearby] a misery over petty things. The reason usually is that they have rarely in their lives had to face something of real significance.<br />Denis Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-22769454016590947102013-10-25T17:36:06.857+11:002013-10-25T17:36:06.857+11:00Badgerbob: I love the name!
This is a letter I co...Badgerbob: I love the name!<br /><br />This is a letter I could have written to myself five years ago, but I suspect I wouldn't have really understood what I thought I was on about. I’ll be surprised if those with one of the conditions above, or similar, don't get it right away.Denis Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786035137418348609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-3360522455789704112013-10-25T13:04:47.589+11:002013-10-25T13:04:47.589+11:00I wish I had written this, Den.
There is something...I wish I had written this, Den.<br />There is something about the way you write about what is true, human and deeply personal, that does not elicit the slightest skerrick of sympathy. Instead, I feel only respect, and a sense of relief that illness, disability, and deteriorating independence - is being written about not only beautifully - but with enormous integrity.<br /><br />I am reminded of something by your metaphors of shoes that pinch and nails being hammered.I might have written this Egyptian (I think) proverb somewhere else as a previous comment on your blog:<br /><br />"Health is the crown on the well-person's head, that only the sick man sees."<br /><br />Thanks again, Den, for telling the world so wonderfully well, how it really is for so many of us.<br /><br />Roshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13339472107640597921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-91708882854501302902013-10-25T09:34:48.940+11:002013-10-25T09:34:48.940+11:00Thank you Den for this - close to my heart.
16 ye...Thank you Den for this - close to my heart.<br /><br />16 years into an MS diagnosis I grapple increasingly with this. It is vital, in the true "part of living" sense, <br /><br />A day like Wednesday, when I needed Ros' help to blow my nose, left me feeling hopeless and barely alive. I could grit my teeth - I had an unusual cold and consequent fever and weakness - and it has passed but that degree of dependence, day after day? seriously? Assisted suicide comes to mind and whatever the arguments are about it the point is that some independence is <b>that</b> fundamental to life and the sense of self.<br /><br />So each day, sick or healthy, we each do what we can, or like, or want to give us that sense. For the healthy that is often completely transparent. Tony Abbott, I'm sure, does not wake each morning and say "I must wreck something to feel human" For us sickies it is a more deliberate act. You, I feel, are here, online, to be alive. For me, it is Friday, I declared "I will go out today" "Where to?" asked Ros. "To live" I answered and before I read your blog.<br /><br />The independence see-saw has to have someone at the other end. You and I have Tracey and Ros. You so accurately describe the struggle "not to call" Not calling offers the satisfaction of the successfully, independently completed task and the sense of our dear one having had an instant of freedom but the other side of the coin is to fall to the floor and seek some response to "Why didn't you call me?"<br /><br />It is the inevitable, constant struggle and mental horror of Caring and Receiving.<br /><br />By the way I have a stick with claws at the far end and a handle at my end that closes the claws. So long as what I crave is within reach and not too heavy it comes to me.David Strattonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07108095795511002148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-30971676075670098932013-10-25T00:56:36.294+11:002013-10-25T00:56:36.294+11:00Just one thing: you obviously know that no-one is ...Just one thing: you obviously know that no-one is going to blame you for your illness; just don't feel GUILTY. We all know it's not rational, you probably more than most people, but the hard part is not to FEEL guilty. One of the things about being in a loving relationship is that the other person really wants to fill in the gaps and to BE the missing parts, whatever they might be. I'm sure you're not fighting this. "In sickness and in health" ... we might say these words glibly, as a matter of form, but we really mean it in a very deep sense, even though we didn't know it at the time in most cases. I know this from experience, as I'm sure you do too.<br />Jenny <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-69197540106964605842013-10-24T23:54:00.639+11:002013-10-24T23:54:00.639+11:00quite a lady that tracy, not many people would be...quite a lady that tracy, not many people would be able to cope and understand your needs like this ,Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-57995215532616579412013-10-24T21:57:37.788+11:002013-10-24T21:57:37.788+11:00Such a wonderful post. You're stuck inside tha...Such a wonderful post. You're stuck inside that body but somehow you keep managing to beat it in order to tell us things that are touching and fascinating and beautifully told. I take my hat off to you - which, of course, is easy with two handszmkchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08972549292961948240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-91443851584696208402013-10-24T18:38:39.133+11:002013-10-24T18:38:39.133+11:00Yes, an important message for us to hear, to be mo...Yes, an important message for us to hear, to be more patient with others, and hopefully not have to cope with oursleves - the loss of the will out of wilfulness in it's best sense. What I find hard to understand is why so many people who have independence of movement spend so much of their time recumbent in front of a TV.Trish Nnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5722735165669239585.post-43669644700117862332013-10-24T18:18:34.757+11:002013-10-24T18:18:34.757+11:00Good post, Denis. It really made me think and, to ...Good post, Denis. It really made me think and, to the extent such is possible, to understand. You have once again marshalled your thoughts and mastered your physical difficulties in a way that is ... in the traditional sense of the word ... awesome. Thank you for this glimpse of the meaning of loss of independence. PS. For some reason I had to enter my comment via my Google account; hence the Badgerbob (Wind in the Willows) user name. Cheers. Bob Lake.Badgerbobhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17202419563194369997noreply@blogger.com