You know there's been a life changing event in your existence when you sneak a look at the walker of the old lady next to you at Oncology to see if you've got a superior model.
|Very similar to mine but no hamster cage
But what I said is true. Now when someone walkers by, I am interested in a way I never dreamed I would be. Not in a quadzillion years, my friends.
So when the old lady came charging through the pediatrician's (hang on – podiatrist's) door the other day, I checked hers out. As you do. It had been through the wars well and truly. There was stuff hanging off it I have no idea why, gaffa-taped on in odd spots.
But mine not to reason why. Not my business.
Still, I thought, why not have a look at available models, just out of curiosity.
First thing you see when you go through images on the web is that if modelled by anyone, they are almost all by women, which says a lot, I reckon. Men like me are or were too pig-headed to use one until forced to their senses, so there's the difference. Women see a problem, see a solution, and put them together. So there's the market.
Have a look at a few I picked out, with the blokes in mind. Come on, humour me. You'll enjoy the ride – and the commentary, I hope.
I thought this one was a bit spartan. I mean, try pushing that along a cobbled path! I guess it must be the 'inchworm' model. Not à la mode, but serves a purpose I suppose. It could be used as a weapon, too.
This, I must confess, comes well up the coolness range. For the outdoors type, clearly. "Like"
Aaaggghhh! Imagine the reaction by the White Witches at Oncology if I trundled that in. They'd be rolling round the floor laughing, and my street cred would be like minus zero.
Now that's a bit better. And blue for boys. This would restore credibility, definitely.
This one would be a conversation starter no matter who was beside you hooked up to the etoposide dispenser getting fun-stuff pumped into their vein.
Look at me, Mum! No spokes. (It was the only one I could see modelled by a bloke. It would have to be, right? No girl could possibly run one of these.)
But for sheer beauty of design, this is my pick, although there's a slight danger, if I sat down and forgot there was no back on it, that I could end up doing a reverse flip and jackknife.
Still, like stiletto heels for the ladies, you have to make some concessions to look your best – right? This would be a walkin'-chick magnet, buckeroos.
Coolness factor ★★★★★
You get it, chaps? Walkers are cool. I was just minding my own business and look what happened. I've never seen this woman before in my life.
OK, I admit it. This is Carol; very good, very dear friend of us both.
[Photography and art direction: Tracey James]